I was driving to work and I was remembering the turning point in mine and George’s relationship.We were 15 dating for three months and I wasn’t being honest with him.
*TRIGGER WARNING* for Rape and Abuse
The year before I had lost my virginity. I was on vacation staying at a relative’s house when me and this guy started making out he tried to do more, I said No, but he kept going. I was afraid and embarrassed about what would happen if i screamed, so I just kept my mouth shut and cried as it happened.
When I got back home I told only two people, Good Friends who I thought I could trust. Someone who I spoke to for at least 8 or 9 hours every night for the last year, we talked about anything and everything and would often fall asleep at 3 or 4 in the morning still on the phone together. Apparently he was telling his friends and everyone else things I would tell him. Pretty soon lots of people knew what had happened, even though no one ever came out and said anything to me, I was stared at and gossiped about and I started to get depressed and started to avoid going to school. I started crying all day, cutting myself and getting into horrible fights with my mother. I was mad about what happened to me and I was really mad at my mom because I knew I couldn’t confine in her. I felt I would get blamed because I didn’t do anything to stop him when I could have.
Somewhere in between all this I started dating George who was friends with this guy. I remember feeling like I should call off our first date because I was terrified it was all a joke and his friends and him would all be there to laugh at me. Fast forward three months and we had been fooling around for awhile but I was hesitant to do anything past making out. He told me he was a virgin and I lied and said I was too. I felt like if he knew the truth he would leave me in a second. He would try to finger me or ask if he could go down on me and I would burst out crying and leave his house, I knew I would have to tell him soon. One day when he was over we were close to doing something and I stopped him and told him I had something to tell him. I started crying but somehow got it all out. He said he had heard about it at school but he wanted to hear it from me. I couldn’t stop crying while he held me. He got up all of a sudden and left the room, I thought he was gone forever, but a few minutes and he came back. He reached over and turned on my CD player and put in my Backstreet Boys Cd and put it on “As long as you love me”. For those of you who don’t know the song here’s the part he played for me:
Don’t care what is written in your history
As long as you’re here with me
I don’t care who you are
Where you’re from
What you did
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like it’s deep within me
Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run
It seems like we’re meant to be.
He said to me I felt this song could tell you exactly how I feel. Whatever is in your past I don’t care about, I just want your future. Over the next 3 or 4 years I would occasionally get flashbacks of the abuse and would start crying during sex, he would hold me, get us both dressed and just let me cry it out.
I couldn’t be any luckier then to have found such an amazing man to share my life with. I love you George more then life itself because when I thought my life was over you started a new one for me.